As you walk through the gilded doors (held open by men in a top hats), this luscious floral smell hits your senses. William later told me that this was the ‘Langham scent’ which could be purchased at their quaint gift shop in the lobby. It was pumped throughout the extravagant lounge area to such a degree that it made me choke and gasp when I went outside – ‘OH, NORMAL O2! HOW IT PONGS, SO!’
My room was just a dream. Look at it. It’s so beautiful.
I did take my own photos but they seriously didn’t do the room any justice.
It had buttons to close the curtains.
YEAH, I FILMED IT.
I felt like Kate Winslet in The Holiday when she swaps her twee Surrey cottage with Cameron Diaz’s LA mansion.
It also had a Nespresso machine. And a beautiful yellow leather chair aside a box of posh magazines. AND SLIPPERS. It even had a turn down service that left chocolate every evening.
(Who can tell that I don’t frequent 5* hotels often?!?)
But there was one weird thing.
WHAT THE HELL IS WAND CLEANING?!!??!
As soon as I met William back downstairs I confronted him about this.
“What is up with that toilet??!!”
“Oh yes, have you given it a go? You’ll get used to it”
*Face that cannot comprehend that he has actually used it*
“What?! No! I don’t want to!!!”
“Once you try it, you can’t imagine life without it”
And I just sat in horror because then I knew that I would have to try it out. I knew that at one point over the next five days, my curiosity would get the better of me and I’d give it a go. What was even more terrifying was the possibility that I may even LIKE it. (Hilariously, this was my whole thought process about sex when I was about 14. I was genuinely terrified by the whole concept but had the foresight to understand that people liked it and that one day I MIGHT LIKE IT and OHMYGOD WHAT IF I GOT PREGNANT AND RUINED MY LIIIIIIIFEEEEEEE ALL BECAUSE I DECIDED TO LIKE SEXXXXXX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!).
So day three, I was sat on the loo and it was just too much. I had to do it. So I pressed the button. The toilet started whirring and I instantly thought ‘oh god what have I done? WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?!?!’ and I dived to turn it off but before I knew, a stream of water squirted out and I shrieked in half horror, half hysterics. WHY WOULD ANYONE ENJOY A LUKEWARM STREAM OF WATER ATTACKING THEIR NETHER REGIONS??!!?? I clambered for the stop button but accidentally knocked on the dryer instead. The water switched off but now it felt like I’d straddled a dyson airblade. HOW DO I MAKE IT STOP?!? I finally located the stop button and just sat there for 2 minutes, panting.
I did try it again at another point when I knew what to expect, but at the end of the day, it just wasn’t my cup of tea.
Hmmm. This blog post really hasn’t gone in the direction I was hoping. I wanted to talk to you about my decadent surroundings, not my toilet habits but ho hum, we shall leave that for next time. And as a teaser, all I will say to you are these two words:
Pictures are all my own (yeah, the loo one), the rest are from: