You’re a week into your new year new you health routine and if you’ve already starting to google images of digestive biscuits and lick the back of Chinese takeaway pamphlets, then week two motivation is just as important as week one.
In this time of need, I thought I would share some of my top tips and insights that I picked up whilst improving my own health and fitness dramatically in the last year.
BEFORE AND AFTER PHOTOS: Completely forget to do before and after photos until 4 days after you start healthy eating meaning that you shortly relapse due to wanting to get the pictures when you were truly at your worst. Eat a few cakes and when you feel like you’re back to your worst self, make a stranger at the gym take the photos so that they can be in awe of your courage to document this process. This will inspire them as well as you.
OTHER PHOTOS: Try desperately to nail the perfect flattering photo but after failing, completely give up and instead pull funny faces or just generally look awful in every photo taken of you instead. This will make people think ‘LOL, she is so funny’ and ‘she must be so comfortable in her own skin’.
FOOD: Eat healthy during the week and remember to tell your colleagues hilarious anecdotes about how you ‘cooked too much quinoa last night’, or how you accidentally put poppy seeds on your greek yoghurt instead of chia seeds (what a wally!). However, do allow yourself a little treat at the weekend – you deserve it, after all. And do remember that if you work 4 days a week, like I do, the weekend starts on Thursday at 6pm and ends on Monday at 9am.
FOOD SHOPPING: Go to Holland & Barrett and get elated when you discover their buy one get one half price offer is on! This jubilation should carry you through the next couple of days before you realise that you still spent £9 on two bags of quinoa and that similar to the DFS sale, the H&B sale always appears to be on…
EATING OUT: Order the vegetarian option (with a side of chips). Feel super great and virtuous and instagram the shit out of your meal (leaving out the side of chips). Start to feel peckish on the way home and treat yourself to a bag of malteasers, two slices of cheese and a Ribena to say well done and keeping it so together in a social situation.
DRINKING: The great news about being healthy is that it doesn’t mean that you have to stop drinking! As long as you opt for white spirits and a low fat mixer, then you are sorted. You can drink as many of these as you like and any beers, VK apples or jägerbombs found on crumpled up receipts the next morning are merely signs of your generous nature – you obviously did not drink these.
GYM: Sign up for a gym that is 2 miles away, even when others are closer, as this means that you’ll burn extra calories by running there and back. When the clocks go back and you realise this means running through dodgy areas of urban Salford in the dark, completely stop going and loudly complain about the gym being ‘too far away’ and tell anyone who will listen about how your safety is more important that staying fit right now.
SOCIAL MEDIA: Regardless of what you’re eating, add #eatclean to all your food photos to rally the encouragement of the digital masses – this will really help you to stick to your goals. Also post really subtle tweets about going to the gym like:
People will be so busy laughing at how funny you are that they won’t realise that what you’re actually saying is ‘look at me in the gym being fucking fabulous. Again’.
APPS: Take an extra 15 minutes on your lunch break so that you can enter all your intake onto myfitnesspal – your health is more important than any impending emails. If the medium sized sweet potato you had for lunch is coming up as more calories then you expected, completely shift your perception of size and come to the conclusion that the sweet potato you had was actually quite small. Also, when entering any data for sweets and chocolate, remember that the weight on the packet includes packaging so take away at least 1/4 of the overall calories.
LOSING WEIGHT: You’ve made it to 5 days of being healthy – well done you! Get yourself on ASOS and order at least 5 new dresses in your desired size because you’re pretty sure they’re going to fit now (or at least by the time they arrive the next day). When the clothes turn up and do not fit, have a rant about the unachievable standards of sizing these days and eat 2 and a half white chocolate cookies because ‘what is the point, anyway?’
This post genuinely started out as a bit of a joke but the more I wrote, the more I realised that ALL OF IT IS TRUE.
So basically, I have no helpful advice AT ALL.
I kind of felt assaulted by health info last year (Instagram, hang your head in shame) and got to the point where I didn’t believe anything anyone was saying anymore – how can you when so many ‘experts’ are contradicting each other? Therefore this year, I’m sitting back and taking a very relaxed approach to everything. That means no scales, no calorie counting and more listening to how my body responds to certain foods and exercise.
That still sounds pretty wanky, doesn’t it? ARGH. Basically, all I’m trying to say is don’t do anything unless it’s making you happy. And for me, that means looking after myself and also cake. Lots of cake.
LONG LIVE CAKEEE AND OTHER GENERAL BAKING PRODUCTS!!!