Food & Drink · Lifestyle · Manchester · Musings

The moment you realise just how middle class you are

IF MY LIFE WERE A NOVEL:

It was the third time that month that I found myself pacing up and down that same aisle, my eyes darting haphazardly over the shelves and my fists clenched into small, suffocated balls.

‘Where is it?!!!’

As I hit the end of the row, I let out a long exasperated sigh. How was it possible that it wasn’t there? It must be somewhere! What kind of supermarket didn’t stock quinoa in this day and age?

Dejected, I slouched back to the instant packets and tossed a Tilda Vegetable and Quinoa pouch into my basket. It looked forlorn amongst the fresh produce – my organic kale seemed to wilt at its mere touch.

I took in a deep breath, trying to expel the image of someone at work catching me ‘fluff with a fork’ing my sad little bag of copycat grain crop.

It would be okay. I could be strong.

I looked down at my shopping list and pushed my trolley into aisle 12 and searched for the- no. It couldn’t be?! Surely not? How could a Tesco Extra that has a Phone Shop, Costa Coffee AND a Timpsons not have panko breadcrumbs?!

A small whelp escaped my pursed lips and I staggered back, pinning a multipack of Udon noodles against the shelf in a desperate attempt to hold myself up.

My hands were still shaking when I reached for a tub of Tesco natural breadcrumbs (making sure to only touch the lid with two fingers) and I hid the small box under my haunch of grass fed venison.

Feeling too weak to go on (and not trusting my stability if I were to find out there was no apple scented buckwheat in stock) I made my way to the till, pushing my trolley before me in sombre resignation.

Stacking my goods on the belt (and making a fortress around the ignominious items) I gathered my recyclable hemp tote bag and strode to the end of the till point. The cashier pushed each of my items towards me and as I scooped them up, something caught my eye. It was her hair. Her hair was winking at me! And then I realised that Julie from cashier 3 had doused her hair in glitter hairspray.

Holding back the vomit that swelled inside, I hurled a £50 note at her sparkly bob, grabbed my goods and ran as fast and as far away as I possibly could.

IF MY LIFE WAS THAT OF A SADDO WHO SPENDS TOO MUCH TIME ON SOCIAL MEDIA:

Oh wait…

Comforted by my fellow middle class chums, I did feel a bit calmer UNTIL:

😱

But as I left Tesco and feared the worst, (Julie’s hair really was reminiscent of an afternoon trip to Claire’s Accessories circa 1999) a truly beautiful thing happened.

I was like – woah. Steve. My boy. HIT ME UP, YO.

So I waited and just as I was beginning to lose my faith in the power of social media, Tesco Jayne came a calling.

😱

GUYS – GRAB YOUR HEMP TOTES AND LET’S GO!

 


 

Pics:

Quinoa

 

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5 thoughts on “The moment you realise just how middle class you are

  1. …don’t get me started on the coconut flour, almond flour (not ground almonds), rose petals for my homemade chocolate and Union Coffee… or lack of. Thanks heavens for Ocado! (Who am I?!)

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