IF MY LIFE WERE A NOVEL:
It was the third time that month that I found myself pacing up and down that same aisle, my eyes darting haphazardly over the shelves and my fists clenched into small, suffocated balls.
‘Where is it?!!!’
As I hit the end of the row, I let out a long exasperated sigh. How was it possible that it wasn’t there? It must be somewhere! What kind of supermarket didn’t stock quinoa in this day and age?
Dejected, I slouched back to the instant packets and tossed a Tilda Vegetable and Quinoa pouch into my basket. It looked forlorn amongst the fresh produce – my organic kale seemed to wilt at its mere touch.
I took in a deep breath, trying to expel the image of someone at work catching me ‘fluff with a fork’ing my sad little bag of copycat grain crop.
It would be okay. I could be strong.
I looked down at my shopping list and pushed my trolley into aisle 12 and searched for the- no. It couldn’t be?! Surely not? How could a Tesco Extra that has a Phone Shop, Costa Coffee AND a Timpsons not have panko breadcrumbs?!
A small whelp escaped my pursed lips and I staggered back, pinning a multipack of Udon noodles against the shelf in a desperate attempt to hold myself up.
My hands were still shaking when I reached for a tub of Tesco natural breadcrumbs (making sure to only touch the lid with two fingers) and I hid the small box under my haunch of grass fed venison.
Feeling too weak to go on (and not trusting my stability if I were to find out there was no apple scented buckwheat in stock) I made my way to the till, pushing my trolley before me in sombre resignation.
Stacking my goods on the belt (and making a fortress around the ignominious items) I gathered my recyclable hemp tote bag and strode to the end of the till point. The cashier pushed each of my items towards me and as I scooped them up, something caught my eye. It was her hair. Her hair was winking at me! And then I realised that Julie from cashier 3 had doused her hair in glitter hairspray.
Holding back the vomit that swelled inside, I hurled a £50 note at her sparkly bob, grabbed my goods and ran as fast and as far away as I possibly could.
IF MY LIFE WAS THAT OF A SADDO WHO SPENDS TOO MUCH TIME ON SOCIAL MEDIA:
Comforted by my fellow middle class chums, I did feel a bit calmer UNTIL:
But as I left Tesco and feared the worst, (Julie’s hair really was reminiscent of an afternoon trip to Claire’s Accessories circa 1999) a truly beautiful thing happened.
I was like – woah. Steve. My boy. HIT ME UP, YO.
So I waited and just as I was beginning to lose my faith in the power of social media, Tesco Jayne came a calling.
GUYS – GRAB YOUR HEMP TOTES AND LET’S GO!